|I FEEL LIKE CRAP
||[Nov. 7th, 2005|04:05 pm]
I know I just did an entry, but there's more buried crap I feel I need to get out. I went over and read Nii-san's LJ...I think that helped. Her words are always better at expressing what she means than mine, but I'll do the best I can.|
Why are guyes so weird? No, I don't mean like some stupid freaking stand-up comic hypothetical question way, I mean seriously, WHY?! I mean, it seems like no matter what I do I never do it right with them (no, I'm NOT talking sexually). When I try to comfort them, they go all major bad ass like some homunculi thing on me, but when I don't because I think they need some time to themselves, they get mad at me because I DON'T comfort them!! AAAAARRGGGGGHGHGHGHG!!!! And then today, when everybody was talking at lunch, I realized I was the ONLY FREAKING ONE WHO'D NEVER GOTTEN ASKED OUT/HAD A BOYFRIEND before. Ever. EVER. And I'm fifteen! I mean, I'm not saying I want some hot and heavy, Barbie and Ken thing to happen to me, but a little attention would be nice, you know? And all the guys I know think of me only as a friend, even though I've got a freaking 38 inch bust. I'm not trying to brag, I just mean...THEY'RE A LITTLE HARD NOT TO NOTICE!!! And yet everywhere I go I get these stupid freaking dead ends, and I can't help but feel like that's all my life's heading towards right now!
Plus, on top of it all, I found out that the two guys I liked--actually LIKED! REAL guys, not anime!--had girlfriends: girls in MY CLASS! *SCREAM* Sometimes I wish I could just go outside and smear my blood across the sky just to get people to notice me. I know, I know, really, I know how selfish that sounds(trust me, I really do--it's been running in my head like a record for the past three months), but I feel like I really freaking need it sometimes; sometimes...Ah, nvmd. That was worse than the whole bloody sky thing.
Sometimes I even feel like my friends don't even really like me. I mean, I know they SAY they do, but sometimes those words feel hollow--you know what I mean? Like they're just going through the motions. And then there are other times, where when I break down crying they'll hold me and comfort me and I can look her straight in her gorgeous green eyes and know she's not lying to me and I'll be falling flying down straight down to earth oh no i'm going to crash i'll die i'll never live past now and how can people say that's not bad and then she'll be there and she'll catch me and I'll lie my head on her lap tears streaming and she'll be there her golden hair hiding me from the world...she'll be there.
And sometimes...that's all I really need.